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Moving into another "universe"

Hi All,
Please use the link: www.journalinquirer.com to find my blog from this point on.
Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!

When the truth comes out

Yesterday the news team came to the gym for what I thought would be a taping of Eric and me training. That in itself was a little unnerving. I changed my usual workout outfit from leggings to yoga pants (looser, they don't show every bulge), put earrings on (never do that in my workouts), and even fixed my hair. I thought this would be an easy-going taping.
Wrong. Let me say first, Eric did a great interview, telling the news team how his program works, why it works, what he expects to do for me. And then, the bomb dropped. "We're going to weigh you in." Now, I knew this was probably coming, but when it actually did, I froze. It was like reliving the birth of my children (who were delivered via c-section, by the way)---entering the operating room, I knew there was no turning back. Sure, I'd have a beautiful child I'd been waiting nine months for, but not until they cut me open, moved my organs, then stitched me. This is how I felt yesterday. Exposed and rearranged. I know that everyone in CT who watches that broadcast will know my starting weight. All those years of wearing long blouses, loose pants--who was I kidding? The truth will come out. And I don't care how much a woman weighs, whether it's 100 pounds or 400 pound, she doesn't like totell her weight. It's just something "innate." We are very personal in that way. Kind of like not telling whether you really read those gossip magazines (ok, sometimes I do. But I read Hemingway and Atwood too).Then Eric said, "That's it. The worst is over. Shake it off." Not an easy thing to do, but possible. I know the only way is down, and ok, I accept that. Today I'm going into the gym knowing the truthe, and like the saying goes, "...it will make you free."


Facing Fears

What do you do to face your fears? Everyone has them. (Come on, you know you do). When my son was sick with cancer, I faced my fears by eating. Cookies, donuts, soda; those sugar rushes have a way of upping the adrenaline and giving us more energy to look at disaster. They also have a way of upping blood sugar, depression, and weight. But for over eight years, that's what I did. "Let's order out!" I'd offer Dan, when he was sick with mouth sores and could hardly swallow. Sure, I wanted to get him to eat, but I also wanted to get myself to eat--there were pizza parlors, Chinese restaurants, and assorted hamburger places that would deliver right to his hospital room. And, in the cafeteria, he ate for free! Now, I ask you, how can you beat that? So when he couldn't use his meal tickets, I did.

I have a new fear coming up. It's little, much too small to even compare to cancer. Nevertheless, it's a fear. It's supposed to snow tomorrow, I have a meeting with my trainer, and I'm scared of driving in snow. Not just a little scared--I'm talking "making me dizzy, I gotta sit down" scared. Maybe that's why I work five minutes from home. So, I mentioned this to my husband this morning. I have a few options: 1--I could stay home, call it a "day," use some exercise videos in the comfort of my family room, 2--I could "cop" out completely and read all day, 3--my husband has offered to drive me into the gym and home. Wow. Nothing to do with food--a new "first" for me. Normally, I'd stay at home, read, maybe do some writing, and eat whatever I pointed to first in the cabinets or refrigerator. But not this time. I'm amazed I came up with these three options, and will probably opt for the third. But it takes a whole lot of energy and deep breathing. Right now, I'm sweating every time I watch the weather forecast. I'm really hoping this is going to be a "dud."

So, come on, I need some ideas. How do you face your fears? What do you do? Eating not required.
Thanks, and I'll let you know about tomorrow. Meanwhile, I'm going to eat a protein bar...

Can't do this alone

Last night my family gathered for our monthly Celebration Day. It's the Saturday of each month when we celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, and other news. We've been doing this for over 30 years, and I like it; I see everyone in my family, and although it's crazy with over 20 people, when I get home I feel "full." Not in a gastric way, although the food is always good, but in a loving way.
Well the news had apparently spread that I'm in this weight loss contest. I was surprised that not one person questioned whether this was something I would be able to accomplish. Quite the opposite, I had the complete support of my family.
Isn't it true that we were never meant to be alone? Since the beginning of time, people have supported one another. I need that. I need people to tell me they believe in me as much as I believe in myself.

My trainer has asked me to participate in a fund-raiser at the end of March where I'll have to climb 684 stairs. This was the first time since I signed on to this program that I doubted my ability. Six hundred and eighty-four stairs is a little bit less than a sixty-three story building, if each flight has 12 stairs. But then, my sisters-in-law, Deirdre and Seanna, and my daughter Allison, said, "Of course you can do this. You'll be ready." And I believed them and in myself because of their encouragement. My husband Tom assured me this was part of the "Way." I could do this, just not alone. I'll need the support of my trainer, my family, and
competition team.

So, what's your "Way?" Everyone has one. We stretch ourselves to do things we've never done, things we're afraid of, and in that path, we rely on others for support, emotionally and physically. I'm going to climb 684 stairs. Thanks, family.

"My time"

I've had a lot of "my times" over the years, and have been successful at them. The trick is to know that it's REALLY your time. But, I've finished college and a Master's degree when I had four small children (and a husband who cheered me on), did an internship at an elementary school where I wanted to teach (and got hired), nursed a son with cancer back to health. I've been hired as a adjunct college teacher minutes from my home, wrote a book about my son's illness and remission, took a few poetry classes and found I love poetry, wrote a poetry book, and you get the picture. The main equation in all of this was that I knew it was my "time" to do these things. No second guessing, no "maybe it will work out, let's hope for the best," just 100% ok, let's do this.
I understand that there are many people who feel the same way--Bravo--you've probably achieved what you've wanted along life's trails. But I'm hoping just one person who's standing on that middle line between left and right will read this and realize that right now, they have a "time" to do something. It may not be to lose weight like me, but it's something. It's that gnawing "If only..." in the back of your mind. So we just jump in, and say, "Pick me..Pick me." It's time.


What motivates someone to lose weight at a specific time in their lives? Marriage, maybe, baby birth, sure, divorce is a motivator, yes. But what about someone like me? I have a husband who loves me as much as he did 33 years ago, four great grown kids, a job I love, friends, and to be really honest, I love laying around on the couch writing, watching tv, and playing with the Internet. So, where's the motivation? I think I woke up one morning and realized it was just time to "honor" myself, to look in the mirror and not think about whether my hair made my cheek bones stand out. I didn't want to go another winter not wearing turtlenecks because they felt like I was being strangled, and I wanted to get below a specific bra size. So, I was watching the local news one morning and saw the commercial for a weight loss contest. And that was it--I knew--this was my time.

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March 2010


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